my phone needs a breathalizer
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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