No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
