Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
