Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
