Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
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