can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
