I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
