why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
