you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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