just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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