I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
