maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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