Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
