I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i dont even know how to be here
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
