i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Randomize
