My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
her facebook's as public as her vagina
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
