Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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