If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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