so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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