i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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