why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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