Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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