I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
