pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I can't turn off my feet"
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
