Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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