Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
She bit a glass in half.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
