Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Dignity is for republicans.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
