Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
