Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
