If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
A bitchslap is in order.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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