I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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