Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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