Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
