The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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