Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
well most of my day revolves around power hour
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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