hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
