no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
