Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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