she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I could fuck to npr.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
