Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
