Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
only you would photoshop your dick
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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