all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
