normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
