You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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