it was like his penis was on wheels.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
