Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
