Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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