i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
