The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
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