the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Girls should come with a carfax report
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Two words: blizzard sex
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
