My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
